P.


Yes, depression is such a monster. It covers us up like a thick and heavy blanket, distorting our hearing, seeing, and thinking, making us believe things that just aren’t so. I think Satan uses it as his first line of attack and has many of us tangled up in it. I’ll pray for you if you pray for me. OK? Let’s not let the Old Deluder have his way.

L.

My dear father walked with me the first six miles of the way. His counsels and tears and heavenly conversation on the parting journey are as fresh in my heart as if it had been but yesterday. Tears are on my cheeks as freely now as then whenever memory steals me away to the scene. For the last half mile or so we walked on together in almost unbroken silence, my father, as was often his custom, carrying hat in hand while his long flowing yellow hair — then yellow, but in later years white as snow — streamed like a girl’s down his shoulders. His lips kept moving in silent prayers for me and his tears fell fast when our eyes met each other with looks for which all speech was vain. We halted upon reaching the appointed parting place. He grasped my hand firmly for a minute in silence and then solemnly and affectionately said, “God bless you my son. Your father’s God prosper you and keep you from all evil.” Unable to say more, his lips kept moving in silent prayer. In tears we embraced and parted.

I ran off as fast as I could and when about to turn a corner in the road where he would lose sight of me, I looked back and saw him still standing with his head uncovered where I had left him, gazing after me. Waving my hat in adieu, I was around the corner and out of sight in an instant, but my heart was too full and sore to carry me further, so I darted into the side of the road and wept for a time. Then rising up cautiously, I climbed the dike to see if he yet stood where I left him, and just at that moment I caught a glimpse of him climbing the dike and looking out for me. He did not see me and after he had gazed eagerly in my direction for a while he got down, set his face toward home and began to return. His head still uncovered and his heart, I felt sure, still rising in prayers for me.

I watched through blinding tears till his form faded from my gaze and then hastening on my way, vowed deeply and oft by the help of God to live and act so as to never grieve or dishonor such a father and mother as He had given me. The appearance of my father when we parted, his advice, prayers and tears, the road, the dike, the climbing up on it and walking away head uncovered, have often, often, all through life risen vividly before my mind… The scene, not only helped by God’s grace to keep me pure from the prevailing sins, but also stimulated me in all my studies that I might not fall short of his hopes, and in all my Christian duties that I might faithfully follow his shining example.

This excerpt was taken from Your Family God’s Way: Developing & Sustaining Relationships in the Home by Wayne A. Mack.

In an article entitled “How We Send Emotional Messages,” Ernst Beier graphically illustrates how easily we can mistake the messages people are conveying nonverbally.

We asked several people to act out six different moods on videotape. The moods were anger, fear, seductivity, indifference, happiness and sadness. Then we let our subjects review their portrayals and eliminate any that they felt were unrepresentative. When we played these videotapes to large audiences to discover if they could decode the moods intended, we found that everyone appears to send out misinformation… I shall never forget two examples of this discordance. One girl, who tried like everyone else to appear angry, fearful, seductive, indifferent, happy and sad… appeared to her judges as angry in every case. Imagine what a difficult world she must have lived in. No matter where she set the thermostat of her emotional climate, everyone else always felt it as sweltering hot. Another girl in our experiment… invariably impressed her judges as seductive. Even when wanted to be angry, men whistled at her.

Nonverbal communication is continuous, powerful, and easily misunderstood…

Here are some random thoughts on the socialization issue.

Children will pattern their behavior after whoever they are around the most. Most children today are institutionalized from a very young age — 2 or 3 in preschool — till age 22 when they graduate from college. For the most productive part of most every day, they are in the company of a group of children their own age, most times their exact age. Of course, most children who are institutionalized during those years will have many days where they socialize with others of differing ages and walks of life, but the majority of their life is spent with kids their own age. Is it any wonder that whatever bond which the child formed with Mother or Daddy in the first couple of years of his life begins to weaken, till at about age 8 or 9 it becomes so weak that it takes little pressure to break. In the meantime, a strong bond begins to form between the child and his peers, and even between child and school teacher.

I suppose that one of the reasons you chose to homeschool your child is that you would like that bond, which started to form the day she was born, to continue to grow and stay strong until the day she marries and her affections are transferred to someone else.

Your daughter needs to be with children her own age. You’ll hear this quite a bit over the next several years so it might be good to have some ammunition — some good hard facts — to counter this argument.

My favorite answer to this is: How do you know that? What proof do you have that this is true? And they don’t have any proof. It’s just one of those pseudo-science factoids that has been perpetuated by the NEA perhaps. On the other hand, there is an abundance of studies to the contrary. Here is something I just read in the PsychoHeresy Awareness Letter (July-August 2005):

Few parents have heard about the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development (NICHD) Study of Early Child Care, an ongoing $100 million survey of 1,100 children. It’s the largest and most rigorous examination of day care in history, taking into account family income and the quality of day care. Recent evidence from the study shows that the total number of hours a child is without a parent, from birth through preschool, matters. The more time in child care of any kind or quality, the more aggressive the child, according to results published in Child Development. Children in full-time day care were close to three times more likely to show behavior problems than those cared for by their mothers at home (excerpted Psychology today, Vol. 38, No. 3, p. 18).

Here’s something else to consider — an excerpt from the book Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers by Gordon Neufeld:

To be sure, socializing plays a part in rendering a child capable of true social integration, but only as a finishing touch. The child must first of all be able to hold on to herself when interacting with others and to perceive the others as separate beings. This is no easy task, even for adults. When a child knows her own mind and values the separateness of another’s mind, then – and only then – is she ready to hold on to her sense of self, while respecting that of the other person. Once this developmental milestone is achieved, social interaction will hone the child’s individuality and hone his relationship as well. (p. 242)

That’s just two items. There’s lots more if you look.

It doesn’t sound like she has any evidence to back up her statements, but since she is your friend you might be hesitant to confront her on the matter. Perhaps she is feeling a bit guilty that you have decided to homeschool and she is taking the easy route. Or perhaps just a few words here and there on why you want to homeschool will get her to thinking outside her box.

Concerning shyness, I think I can speak to that subject with some experience. I had some of the shyest kids in the world. They would hide behind me when we met up with strangers or even people they knew. I’m sure our relatives thought we were ruining our children by homeschooling them. But today, I doubt anyone would call our children shy.

Ephesians 6:1-4

1. Children, obey. Why does the apostle use the word obey instead of honor, which has a greater extent of meaning? It is because Obedience is the evidence of that honor which children owe to their parents, and is therefore more earnestly enforced. It is likewise more difficult; for the human mind recoils from the idea of subjection, and with difficulty allows itself to be placed under the control of another. Experience shews how rare this virtue is; for do we find one among a thousand that is obedient to his parents? By a figure of speech, a part is here put for the whole, but it is the most important part, and is necessarily accompanied by all the others.

In the Lord. Besides the law of nature, which is acknowledged by all nations, the obedience of children is enforced by the authority of God. Hence it follows, that parents are to be obeyed, so far only as is consistent with piety to God, which comes first in order. If the command of God is the rule by which the submission of children is to be regulated, it would be foolish to suppose that the performance of this duty could lead away from God himself.

For this is right. This is added in order to restrain the fierceness which, we have already said, appears to be natural to almost all men. He proves it to be right, because God has commanded it; for we are not at liberty to dispute, or call in question, the appointment of him whose will is the unerring rule of goodness and righteousness. That honor should be represented as including obedience is not surprising; for mere ceremony is of no value in the sight of God. The precept, honor thy father and mother, comprehends all the duties by which the sincere affection and respect of children to their parents can be expressed.

2. Which is the first commandment with promise. The promises annexed to the commandments are intended to excite our hopes, and to impart a greater cheerfulness to our obedience; and therefore Paul uses this as a kind of seasoning to render the submission, which he enjoins on children, more pleasant and agreeable. He does not merely say, that God has offered a reward to him who obeys his father and mother, but that such an offer is peculiar to this commandment. If each of the commandments had its own promises, there would have been no ground for the commendation bestowed in the present instance. But this is the first commandment, Paul tells us, which God has been pleased, as it were, to seal by a remarkable promise. There is some difficulty here; for the second commandment likewise contains a promise, “I am the Lord thy God, who shew mercy unto thousands of them that love me, and keep my commandments.” (Ex 20:5 6).  But this is universal, applying indiscriminately to the whole law, and cannot be said to be annexed to that commandment. Paul’s assertion still holds true, that no other commandment but that which enjoins the obedience due by children to their parents is distinguished by a promise.

3. That it may be well with thee. The promise is— a long life; from which we are led to understand that the present life is not to be overlooked among the gifts of God. On this and other kindred subjects I must refer my reader to the Institutes of the Christian Religion; satisfying myself at present with saying, in a few words, that the reward promised to the obedience of children is highly appropriate. Those who shew kindness to their parents from whom they derived life, are assured by God, that in this life it will be well with them. And that thou mayest live long on the earth. Moses expressly mentions the land of Canaan, “that thy days may be long upon the land which the Lord thy God giveth thee.” (Ex 20:12). Beyond this the Jews could not conceive of any life more happy or desirable. But as the same divine blessing is extended to the whole world, Paul has properly left out the mention of a place, the peculiar distinction of which lasted only till the coming of Christ.

4. And, ye fathers. Parents, on the other hand, are exhorted not to irritate their children by unreasonable severity. This would excite hatred, and would lead them to throw off the yoke altogether. Accordingly, in writing to the Colossians, he adds, “lest they be discouraged.” (Col 3:21). Kind and liberal treatment has rather a tendency to cherish reverence for their parents, and to increase the cheerfulness and activity of their obedience, while a harsh and unkind manner rouses them to obstinacy, and destroys the natural affections. But Paul goes on to say, “let them be fondly cherished;” for the Greek word, (ektrefete,) which is translated bring up, unquestionably conveys the idea of gentleness and forbearance. To guard them, however, against the opposite and frequent evil of excessive indulgence, he again draws the rein which he had slackened, and adds, in the instruction and reproof of the Lord. It is not the will of God that parents, in the exercise of kindness, shall spare and corrupt their children. Let their conduct towards their children be at once mild and considerate, so as to guide them in the fear of the Lord, and correct them also when they go astray. That age is so apt to become wanton, that it requires frequent admonition and restraint.

Colossians 3:20-21

20-21. Children, obey your parents. He enjoins it upon children to obey their parents, without any exception. But what if parents should feel disposed to constrain them to anything that is unlawful; will they in that case, too, obey without any reservation? Now it were worse than unreasonable, that the authority of men should prevail at the expense of neglecting God. I answer, that here, too, we must understand as implied what he expresses elsewhere, (Eph 6:1) —in the Lord. But for what purpose does he employ a term of universality? I answer again, that it is to shew, that obedience must be rendered not merely to just commands, but also to such as are [or seem] unreasonable. For many make themselves compliant with the wishes of their parents only where the command is not grievous or inconvenient. But, on the other hand, this one thing ought to be considered by children—that whoever may be their parents, they have been allotted to them by the providence of God, who by his appointment makes children subject to their parents. In all things, therefore, that they may not refuse anything, however difficult or disagreeable—in all things, that in things indifferent they may give deference to the station which their parents occupy—in all things, that they may not put themselves on a footing of equality with their parents, in the way of questioning and debating, or disputing, it being always understood that conscience is not to be infringed upon. He prohibits parents from exercising an immoderate harshness, lest their children should be so disheartened as to be incapable of receiving any honorable training; for we see, from daily experience, the advantage of a liberal education.

John Gill Commentary:

Ephesians 6:1-4

He begins with the duties of children to their parents, which are submission and obedience to them, honour, fear, and reverence of them; the arguments engaging thereunto are taken from the light of nature and reason, from the command of God, and the promise annexed to it. Then follow the duties of fathers to their children, who are exhorted not to use them with too much rigour, and so provoke them to wrath, but to bring them up in a religious manner, that they may serve the Lord.

Ver. 1. Children, obey your parents in the Lord. The persons whose duty this is, “children,” are such of every sex, male and female, and of every age, and of every state and condition; and though the true, legitimate, and immediate offspring of men may be chiefly respected, yet not exclusive of spurious [illegitimate] children, and adopted ones, and of children-in-law; and the persons to whom obedience from them is due, are not only real and immediate parents, both father and mother, but such who are in the room of parents, as step-fathers, step-mothers, guardians, nurses and all who are in the ascending line, as grandfathers, grandmothers to these, children should be subject and obedient in all things lawful, just, and good; in everything that is not sinful and unlawful, by the word of God; and in things indifferent, as much as in them lies, and even in things which are difficult to perform: and this obedience should be hearty and sincere, and not merely verbal, and in show and appearance, nor mercenary; and should be joined with gratitude and thankfulness for past favours: and it should be “in the Lord”; which may be considered either as a limitation of the obedience, that it should be in things that are agreeable to the mind and will of the Lord; or as an argument to it, because it is the command of the Lord, and is wellpleasing in his sight, and makes for his glory, and therefore should be done for his sake: for this is right; it appears to be right by the light of nature, by which the very Heathens have taught it; and it is equitable from reason that so it should be; and it is just by the law of God, which commands nothing but what is holy, just, and good.

Ver. 2. Honour thy father and mother. This explains who parents are, and points at some branches of obedience due unto them; for they are not only to be loved, and to be feared, and reverenced, their corrections to be submitted to, offenses against them to be acknowledged, their tempers to be bore with, and their infirmities covered; but they are to be honoured in thought, word, and gesture; they are to be highly thought of and esteemed; they are to be spoken to, and of, very honourably, and with great veneration and to be behaved to in a very respectful manner; and they are to be relieved, assisted, and maintained in comfortable way when aged, and in necessitous circumstances; and which may be chiefly designed. which is the first commandment with promise: it is the fifth commandment in the decalogue, but the first that has a promise annexed to it: it is reckoned by the Jews the weightiest of the weightiest commands of the law; and the reward bestowed on it, is length of days, as follows.

Ver. 3. That it may be well with thee. In this world, and that which is to come. The Jews say, “there are four things, which if a man does, he eats the fruit of them in this world, and the capital part remains for him in the world to come, and they are these: honouring father and mother, doing acts of beneficence, making peace between a man and his neighbour, and learning of the law, which answers to them all.” And thou mayest live long on the earth: length of days is in itself a blessing; and though men’s days cannot be lengthened beyond God’s purpose and decree; and though obedient children do not always live long; yet disobedience to parents often brings the judgments of God on children, so that they die not a common death, 2Sa 18:14; Pr 30:17.

Ver. 4. And ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath. Neither by words; by unjust and, unreasonable commands; by contumelious and reproachful language; by frequent and public chidings, and by indiscreet and passionate expressions: nor by deeds; preferring one to another; by denying them the necessaries of life; by not allowing them proper recreation; by severe and cruel blows, and inhuman usage; by not giving them suitable education; by an improper disposal of them in marriage; and by profusely spending their estates, and leaving nothing to them: not but that parents may, and ought to correct and rebuke their children; nor are they accountable to them for their conduct; yet they should take care not to provoke them to wrath, because this alienates their minds from them, and renders their instructions and corrections useless, and puts them upon sinful practices; wrath lets in Satan, and leads to sin against God; and indeed it is difficult in the best of men to be angry and not sin. Fathers are particularly mentioned, they being the heads of families, and are apt to be too severe, as mothers too indulgent. But bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord; instructing them in the knowledge of divine things, setting them good examples, taking care to prevent their falling into bad company, praying with them, and for them, bringing them into the house of God, under the means of grace, to attend public worship; all which, under a divine blessing, may be very useful to them; the example of Abraham is worthy of imitation, Ge 18:19, and the advice of the wise man deserves attention, Pr 22:6.

Colossians 3:20-21

Ver. 20. Children, obey your parents. Both father and mother. in all things; not in things sinful, which are contrary to the law of God, and Gospel of Christ; in things repugnant to the duties of religion, the ordinances of the Gospel, and the doctrines of Christ, parents are to be neglected and disobeyed. God is to be regarded, and not men; but in all things good and lawful, and in all things that are of an indifferent nature, which may, or may not be done, in these things the will of earthly parents is to be attended to; of which there is a considerable instance in the Rechabites, see Jer 35:6-10 and even they are to be obeyed in things that are hard and difficult to be complied with, and which are disagreeable to flesh and blood, as the cases of Isaac and Jephthah’s daughter show. For this is well pleasing unto the Lord; and is a reason sufficient to engage to the performance of the duty; for whatever is grateful and well pleasing to God ought to be done with pleasure by us, from a principle of love to him, by faith in him, and with a view to his glory; and then such an action is acceptable in his sight through Jesus Christ our Lord. The Alexandrian copy reads, “in the Lord”; and so the Vulgate Latin version.

Ver. 21. Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged; or disheartened and dispirited; their spirits be broke through grief and trouble, and they become indolent, sluggish, and unfit for business; or, despairing of having any share in the affections of their parents, disregard their commands, instructions, and corrections, and grow obdurate, stubborn, and rebellious.

What specific things would you do in order to show/practice love to that child?

What specific things would you NOT do in order to show/practice love to that child?

Mark 10:21 Then Jesus, looking at him, loved him, and said to him, “One thing you lack: Go your way, sell whatever you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, take up the cross, and follow Me.”

John 3:18 My little children, let us not love in word or in tongue, but in deed and in truth.

Level 1
This is the level of clichés and impersonal, automatic statements. Level 1 communication consists of conversation starters. “Good morning.” “Hello, how are you?” This type of communication is a smooth, pleasant, cheerful, efficient, and non-involvement method of dealing with people and may be ignored or received by the person you are communicating with. We all participate in Level 1 communication.

Level 2
This is the level of reporting facts or information. At Level 2 communication, “a person shares little of himself; he is merely functioning as an objective reporter.” It is an efficient, non-involvement method of transmitting information to people. When a husband tells his wife what happened at work that day and she tells him what she did at home, they are functioning at Level 2. “Relationships will remain superficial if conversation goes no deeper than this.” We all participate in Level 2 communication.

Level 3
This is the level of “imparting ideas, evaluations, or judgments, or inviting another person’s analysis of certain facts or events.” Conversations at Level 3 usually begin with: “In my opinion…,” “I think that…,” “In my judgment…,” “What do you think about…” Level 3 communication “promotes the development of intimate, satisfying relationships.” Some people seldom enter into Level 3 communication “because they want to protect themselves or others from pain, or because they are intimidated by disagreement of any kind. As long as they keep their opinions to themselves, no one can say: ‘That’s ridiculous! I don’t see why in the world you could ever think that way.’ And as long as they don’t ask for someone else’s evaluation or ideas, they will not receive advice that they don’t want to hear. To these people, it seems much better to keep their opinions and ideas to themselves. That way, they don’t run the risk of offending others or being rejected.”

Level 4
This is the level of “appropriately acknowledging and expressing our real feelings.” Level 4 communication is the “deepest dimension of truthful communication.” We “acknowledge what we are feeling – both the positive and the negative, the pleasant and the not-so-pleasant – to ourselves, to God, and to each other.” We appropriately express “a wide range of feelings, including compassion, joy, sorrow, concern, and anger.” “Healthy, mature individuals are in touch with their emotions and are not ashamed to admit them to God and others. Healthy, mature individuals use their emotions not as weapons to inflict wounds on others, but constructively. And they encourage us to do the same.” Level 4 communication is a requirement for friendship and romantic love. Many people are incapable of, or refuse to enter into, Level 4 communication.

What does this painting say to you?

The following is a modernization and updating of a selection from:

Of Domestical Duties, Fifth Treatise, Duties of Children, by William Gouge, London, 1622.

Just Reasons why Offspring should have Their Parents’ Consent to Their Marriage

1. By marriage, offspring are put away from their parents:

Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. — Genesis 2:24

Does not reason dictate that those from whom offspring have their human existence, and by whom they have been cared for and trained up, should be honored with notice and consent of their marriage and leaving them?

2. By the marriage of his offspring, a parents’ power is passed over to the husband or wife of the offspring. Shall such a power be taken away without the advice and consent of the parent?

3. Offspring are more impetuous and hasty from lack of experience, and are more prone to seek to satisfy their present fleshly desire than to provide a good and lasting companion for themselves; but parents by the instinct of nature love their offspring as well as the offspring love themselves, and due to much experience have a better understanding of what a suitable companion would be, and are better able to discern in this case because it is not their own case and yet it is the case of someone whom they love as themselves, and to whom they wish as much good as they wish for themselves. For the offspring’s good, is it not right that the parent should have effective power in a matter of such important consequence as marriage?

Regarding the Sin of Offspring Marrying without their Parents’ Consent

Offspring of a contrary mind and practice are those who lightly esteem their parents’ jurisdiction, who take matches of their own choice, and who sometimes do so privately without giving any notice at all to their parents, and who sometimes do so most rebelliously against their parents’ intentions and orders.

This is not much unlike those who in the old world before the flood were condemned for taking wives for themselves of all whom they chose.

…that the sons of God saw the daughters of men, that they were beautiful; and they took wives for themselves of all whom they chose. 3 And the LORD said, “My Spirit shall not strive with man forever, for he is indeed flesh; yet his days shall be one hundred and twenty years.” 5 Then the LORD saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every intent of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually. 6 And the LORD was sorry that He had made man on the earth, and He was grieved in His heart. — Genesis 6:2-3, 5-6

This practice was one branch of that wickedness for which the world was drowned.

This is rather like Esau who took such wives as proved to be a grief to his parents.

When Esau was forty years old, he took as wives Judith the daughter of Beeri the Hittite, and Basemath the daughter of Elon the Hittite. 35 And they were a grief of mind to Isaac and Rebekah. — Genesis 26:34

What blessing can be expected to fall upon such marriages? Or rather what curse may not be feared to follow them?

Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long upon the land which the LORD your God is giving you. — Exodus 20:12

Honor your father and your mother, as the LORD your God has commanded you, that your days may be long, and that it may be well with you in the land which the LORD your God is giving you. — Deuteronomy 5:16

Cursed is the one who treats his father or his mother with contempt. ’And all the people shall say, ‘Amen!’ — Deuteronomy 27:16

Whoever curses his father or his mother, His lamp will be put out in deep darkness. — Proverbs 20:20

Happy is the man who is always reverent, But he who hardens his heart will fall into calamity. — Proverbs 28:14

There is a generation that curses its father, And does not bless its mother. — Proverbs 30:11

The eye that mocks his father, And scorns obedience to his mother, The ravens of the valley will pick it out, And the young eagles will eat it. — Proverbs 30:17

You know the commandments … ‘Honor your father and your mother.’ — Mark 10:19

[Speaking of adults] God gave them over to a debased mind, to do those things which are not fitting; 29 being filled with all unrighteousness, sexual immorality, wickedness, covetousness, maliciousness; full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, evil-mindedness; they are whisperers, 30 backbiters, haters of God, violent, proud, boasters, inventors of evil things, disobedient to parents, 31 undiscerning, untrustworthy, unloving, unforgiving, unmerciful; 32 who, knowing the righteous judgment of God, that those who practice such things are deserving of death, not only do the same but also approve of those who practice them. — Romans 1:28-32

Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2 “Honor your father and mother,” which is the first commandment with promise: 3 “that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth.” — Ephesians 6:1-3

Children, obey your parents in all things, for this is well pleasing to the Lord. — Colossians 3:20

But if any widow has children or grandchildren, let them first learn to show piety at home and to repay their parents; for this is good and acceptable before God. — 1 Timothy 5:4

[Speaking of adults] For men will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, 3 unloving, unforgiving, slanderers, without self-control, brutal, despisers of good, 4 traitors, headstrong, haughty, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, 5 having a form of godliness but denying its power. And from such people turn away! — 2 Timothy 3:2-5

By this type of behavior, God’s law is transgressed; God’s image in parents is despised; what is more proper to them than any goods – namely, their child – is fraudulently or violently taken from them; their souls are grieved; and they are often justly provoked to cast off their offspring and to curse their offspring’s marriages. God’s curse often follows the just curse of a parent. [With some crimes – such as common theft or simple lying – repentance and a restoration may repair most damages. Yet with other crimes – such as murder and rape – something precious is taken which can never be restored regardless of repentance. Marriage without parental consent is a kidnapping and a rape, a betrayal and in principle a murder, a theft of inheritance and a breach upon social order, bringing a measure of irreparable damage to parents, to the sinning couple, to the following generation, and to society as a whole.]

An Objection favoring Offspring Marrying without Parents’ Consent

Objection: Offspring marry for themselves and not for their parents, why then should the parents’ consent be so much depended upon?

Answer 1: Though offspring do not marry for their parents, yet they do marry from their parents, that is, by marriage they are freed from the jurisdiction of their parents. (See the second reason above, under Just Reasons why Offspring should have Their Parents’ Consent to Their Marriage)

Answer 2: Offspring are not their own; they are the inheritance from the Lord (Psalm 127:3): the Lord has given them to parents as an inheritance, therefore an offspring may no more marry for himself without consent of parents than take his parents’ goods for himself. [The offspring’s marriage serves as the parents’ happiness and security in old age.]

And he who strikes his father or his mother shall surely be put to death. 16 He who kidnaps a man [person] and sells him, or if he [or she] is found in his hand [as a slave or a wife], shall surely be put to death. 17 And he who curses his father or his mother shall surely be put to death. [Compare 1 Timothy 1:9-10 below.] — Exodus 21:15-17

For everyone who curses his father or his mother shall surely be put to death. He has cursed his father or his mother. His blood shall be upon him.” — Leviticus 20:9

If a man is found kidnapping any of his brethren of the children of Israel, and mistreats him or sells him, then that kidnapper shall die; and you shall put away the evil from among you. — Deuteronomy 24:7

He who mistreats his father and chases away his mother is a son who causes shame and brings reproach. — Proverbs 19:26

Whoever curses his father or his mother, His lamp will be put out in deep darkness. — Proverbs 20:20

Whoever robs his father or his mother, And says, “It is no transgression,” The same is companion to a destroyer. — Proverbs 28:24

There is a generation that curses its father, And does not bless its mother. — Proverbs 30:11

For God commanded, saying, ‘Honor your father and your mother’; and, ‘He who curses father or mother, let him be put to death.’ 5 But you say, ‘Whoever says to his father or mother, “Whatever profit you might have received from me is a gift to God” — 6 then he need not honor his father or mother.’ Thus you have made the commandment of God of no effect by your tradition. — Matthew 15:4-6

He said to them, “All too well you reject the commandment of God, that you may keep your tradition. 10 For Moses said, ‘Honor your father and your mother’; and, ‘He who curses father or mother, let him be put to death.’ 11 But you say, ‘If a man says to his father or mother, “Whatever profit you might have received from me is Corban”‘ — (that is, a gift to God), 12 then you no longer let him do anything for his father or his mother, 13 making the word of God of no effect through your tradition which you have handed down. And many such things you do.” — Mark 7:9-13

… the law is not made for a righteous person, but for the lawless and insubordinate, for the ungodly and for sinners, for the unholy and profane, for murderers of fathers and murderers of mothers, for manslayers, 10 for fornicators, for sodomites, for kidnappers [person-stealers], for liars, for perjurers, and if there is any other thing that is contrary to sound doctrine. [Compare Exodus 21:15-16 above.] — 1 Timothy 1:9-10

But if any widow has children or grandchildren, let them first learn to show piety at home and to repay their parents; for this is good and acceptable before God. — 1 Timothy 5:4

Regarding Stealing Offspring from Parents for the sake of Marriage

Anyone who fraudulently allures or who forcefully takes away offspring to have them marry in any way other than what their parents would desire makes himself an accessory to the sin of offspring marrying without their parents’ consent, and thereby makes himself an object of the just vengeance lawfully pursued by the parents. This is a worse kind of felony than stealing away the goods of a man. Offspring much more properly belong to a man than do his own goods, and are dearer to him than any goods can be, and are ever so much more highly to be esteemed because they are his personal relations not mere objects. Our statute law [back in 1622] expressly condemns this, and imposes a severe punishment on whoever should offend in this way. And such offenders justly do deserve to be severely punished, both in regard to the heinousness – the shockingly wickedness – of the sin, and also in regard to the many ill and injurious consequences which follow upon it, such as the alienation of parents’ affection from their offspring, the disinheriting of heirs, the enmity between the friends of each party of those who are married in this way, the contentious suits at law, the ruin of families, and, if the persons whose offspring are married without their parents’ consent are distinguished and honorable, the disturbance of whole towns, cities, and nations. Take for instance the destruction of the Shechemites (Gen 34). This same sin is said to have been the cause for the ten years’ war between the Greeks and Trojans and the ruin of Troy.

Regarding the Sin of Ministers Who Marry Offspring without Parents’ Consent

Whether through carelessness – by not taking due account of whether the parties whom they marry have their parents’ consent – or through bribery – by being hired for some reward to marry offspring which they know do not have their parents’ consent – such ministers who do this make themselves accomplices in a high degree to the sin of marrying without parents’ consent. Their deed is as evil as the deed of the principal parties themselves. Their solemnization of such marriages embolden the parties in this sin who have been married in this way, and also embolden all the persons in this sin who were present at the marriage. As the representative of the person of God, these ministers highly dishonor God’s holy ordinance by saying of such persons as God has explicitly forbidden to be so joined together, that those whom God has joined together no man may separate. If ministers had no hand in such unlawful marriages, such marriages could not be made, for our Church approves of no marriage unless it has been solemnized by a minister. For this reason, whenever any offspring is married without the consent of their parents, then some minister is guilty of this sin of the soul. Therefore it is good that our church, in order to prevent this sin, expressly forbids ministers to marry anyone without parents’ consent, and it inflicts a severe censure on those who offend in this matter.

The following is a modernization and updating of a selection from:

Of Domestical Duties, Fifth Treatise, Duties of Children, by William Gouge, London, 1622.

Regarding Parents’ Consent to the Marriage of Their Offspring

That offspring ought to have their parents’ consent to their marriage is evident beyond all question. Consider the following reasons:

1. God himself has given us this pattern: He first brought the woman to the man (Gen 2:22)

Then the rib which the LORD God had taken from man He made into a woman, and He brought her to the man. — Genesis 2:22

By this God shows that he who gave human existence to the woman had jurisdiction to give her in marriage, which jurisdiction is now delegated to the parents because, under God, offspring now receive their human existence from them. In this case parents stand in God’s place, and function as God’s agent to join their offspring in marriage.

2. God has given explicit laws concerning this point.

a. The general moral law, which is the foundation for all other duties of offspring.

“Honor your father and your mother.” — Exodus 20:12; Deuteronomy 5:16; Matthew 15:4; 19:19; Mark 7:10; 10:19; Luke 18:20; Ephesians 6:2

b. The jurisdiction and directive which God has laid upon parents – to give their daughters to husbands, and to take wives for their sons – has the force of a law to bind offspring from taking wives for themselves or giving themselves to husbands without or against their parents’ consent.

“Nor shall you make marriages with them. You shall not give your daughter to their son, nor take their daughter for your son.” — Deuteronomy 7:3 (Compare Exodus 34:25; Joshua 23:12; Judges 3:6; 1 Kings 11:2; Ezra 9:2; Nehemiah 13:23-27; 2 Corinthians 6:14-17)

c. This law was not limited to the Jews only, but as a branch of the moral law it is for all men, and it is particularly pressed upon Christians.

But if any man [= the protector**] thinks he is behaving improperly toward his virgin [= the protected**], if she is past the flower of youth [= of full marriageable age], and thus it must be [= there is no technical restraint], let him [= the protector] do what he wishes [/chooses]. He does not sin [to consent]; let them marry. 37 Nevertheless he [= the protector] who stands steadfast in his heart, having no necessity [= no compelling obligation], but has power over his own will [literally: possessing authority concerning his own choice], and has so determined in his heart that he will keep [literally: continue protecting] his virgin [= the protected], does well. 38 So then he who gives her in marriage does well, but he who does not give her in marriage does better. — 1 Corinthians 7:36-38

[**Verse 37 explicitly identifies the man as the lawful protector of, and verse 38 explicitly identifies the man as the one possessing authority to give or not to give her in marriage. Men commonly married in their thirties and died in their fifties or early sixties, so frequently enough a father would die before his younger daughters were of full marriageable age. With prospect of his untimely death, a father would duly and lawfully appoint another to be protector for his daughter – ordinarily a close relative, such an uncle as protector of his niece. Hence if Paul had written “father” and “daughter,” he would likely have introduced an unnecessary confusion. Modern life expectancies somewhat obscure this otherwise obvious point. Despite the variable identity of the protector, the constant in this passage is that the man either continues to protect the virgin or he gives her to another man – her husband – to protect her. Her coverture passes from one protector to another, usually from father to husband. She is always under the jurisdiction of one man to protect her choices (Genesis 3:16; 18:12; Numbers 30:1-16; Esther 1:16-20; Romans 7:1-3; 1 Corinthians 7:39; 11:3; 7-10; 14:33-35; Ephesians 5:22-24, 33; Colossians 3:18; 1 Timothy 2:11-13; Titus 2:5; 1 Peter 3:1, 5-6). It was the serpent who isolated the perfect woman from her protector and beguiled her to make a life-determining choice on her own though affecting everyone connected to her (1 Corinthians 4:15 with 2 Corinthians 11:2-3; Galatians 1:6 with 4:17; 1 Timothy 2:14). He essentially usurped Adam’s role by introducing doubt with a question about the order and intentions of things. In 1622, an explanatory note such as this was unnecessary. There is really no ambiguity here – it is self-explanatory. Confusion and ambiguity only arise when we try to read modern culture into this Scripture.]

d. To this may be added the judicial law of a parent’s power in giving his daughter, or refusing to give her in marriage to someone who had deflowered her.

“If her father utterly refuses to give her to him, he shall pay money according to the bride-price of virgins.” — Exodus 22:17

3. The practice of God’s people recorded and approved in Scripture agrees with the Law.

a. Isaac married the wife which his father provided.

So Abraham said to the oldest servant of his house, who ruled over all that he had, “Please, put your hand under my thigh, 3 and I will make you swear by the LORD, the God of heaven and the God of the earth, that you will not take a wife for my son from the daughters of the Canaanites, among whom I dwell; 4 but you shall go to my country and to my family, and take a wife for my son Isaac.” … Then Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah’s tent; and he took Rebekah and she became his wife, and he loved her. So Isaac was comforted after his mother’s death. — Genesis 24:2-4, 67

b. Jacob both obeyed his father in going to Laban’s house for a wife and also when he came to Laban to ask for his daughter from him.

Then Isaac called Jacob and blessed him, and charged him, and said to him: “You shall not take a wife from the daughters of Canaan. 2 “Arise, go to Padan Aram, to the house of Bethuel your mother’s father; and take yourself a wife from there of the daughters of Laban your mother’s brother. — Genesis 28:1-2

Now Jacob loved Rachel; so he said, “I will serve you seven years for Rachel your younger daughter.” 19 And Laban said, “It is better that I give her to you than that I should give her to another man. Stay with me.” 20 So Jacob served seven years for Rachel, and they seemed only a few days to him because of the love he had for her. 21 Then Jacob said to Laban, “Give me my wife, for my days are fulfilled, that I may go in to her.” … 26 And Laban said, “It must not be done so in our country, to give the younger before the firstborn. 27 “Fulfill her week, and we will give you this one also for the service which you will serve with me still another seven years.” 28 Then Jacob did so and fulfilled her week. So he gave him his daughter Rachel as wife also. — Genesis 29:18-21, 26-28

c. Though Samson saw a daughter of the Philistines which pleased him well, yet he would not marry her before he had his parents’ consent.

So he went up and told his father and mother, saying, “I have seen a woman in Timnah of the daughters of the Philistines; now therefore, get her for me as a wife.” — Judges 14:2

4. The testimony of God’s people shows that offspring had no custom or practice of being married without the consent of their parents.

a. Compare the words of Tamar:

“… Now therefore, please speak to the king [who was her father]; for he will not withhold me from you.” — 2 Samuel 13:13

b. Compare the oath of the Israelites

Now the men of Israel had sworn an oath at Mizpah, saying, “None of us shall give his daughter to Benjamin as a wife.” — Judges 21:1

5. The ancient fathers of the Church have in their ages taught offspring this duty, and pronounced marriages of offspring without consent of parents to be unlawful.

6. Even the heathen have observed the justice of this.

a. Though Shechem loved Dinah, and had deflowered her, yet he would not marry her without the consent of his and her father.

So Shechem spoke to his father Hamor, saying, “Get me this young woman as a wife.” … 6 Then Hamor the father of Shechem went out to Jacob to speak with him. — Genesis 34:4, 6

b. Ishmael had learned as much either by the instruction he had received out of Abraham’s house, or else by the light of nature: for he kept with the choice which his mother had made for him.

… his mother took a wife for him from the land of Egypt. — Genesis 21:21