This excerpt was taken from Your Family God’s Way: Developing & Sustaining Relationships in the Home by Wayne A. Mack.

In an article entitled “How We Send Emotional Messages,” Ernst Beier graphically illustrates how easily we can mistake the messages people are conveying nonverbally.

We asked several people to act out six different moods on videotape. The moods were anger, fear, seductivity, indifference, happiness and sadness. Then we let our subjects review their portrayals and eliminate any that they felt were unrepresentative. When we played these videotapes to large audiences to discover if they could decode the moods intended, we found that everyone appears to send out misinformation… I shall never forget two examples of this discordance. One girl, who tried like everyone else to appear angry, fearful, seductive, indifferent, happy and sad… appeared to her judges as angry in every case. Imagine what a difficult world she must have lived in. No matter where she set the thermostat of her emotional climate, everyone else always felt it as sweltering hot. Another girl in our experiment… invariably impressed her judges as seductive. Even when wanted to be angry, men whistled at her.

Nonverbal communication is continuous, powerful, and easily misunderstood…

What specific things would you do in order to show/practice love to that child?

What specific things would you NOT do in order to show/practice love to that child?

Mark 10:21 Then Jesus, looking at him, loved him, and said to him, “One thing you lack: Go your way, sell whatever you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, take up the cross, and follow Me.”

John 3:18 My little children, let us not love in word or in tongue, but in deed and in truth.

Level 1
This is the level of clichés and impersonal, automatic statements. Level 1 communication consists of conversation starters. “Good morning.” “Hello, how are you?” This type of communication is a smooth, pleasant, cheerful, efficient, and non-involvement method of dealing with people and may be ignored or received by the person you are communicating with. We all participate in Level 1 communication.

Level 2
This is the level of reporting facts or information. At Level 2 communication, “a person shares little of himself; he is merely functioning as an objective reporter.” It is an efficient, non-involvement method of transmitting information to people. When a husband tells his wife what happened at work that day and she tells him what she did at home, they are functioning at Level 2. “Relationships will remain superficial if conversation goes no deeper than this.” We all participate in Level 2 communication.

Level 3
This is the level of “imparting ideas, evaluations, or judgments, or inviting another person’s analysis of certain facts or events.” Conversations at Level 3 usually begin with: “In my opinion…,” “I think that…,” “In my judgment…,” “What do you think about…” Level 3 communication “promotes the development of intimate, satisfying relationships.” Some people seldom enter into Level 3 communication “because they want to protect themselves or others from pain, or because they are intimidated by disagreement of any kind. As long as they keep their opinions to themselves, no one can say: ‘That’s ridiculous! I don’t see why in the world you could ever think that way.’ And as long as they don’t ask for someone else’s evaluation or ideas, they will not receive advice that they don’t want to hear. To these people, it seems much better to keep their opinions and ideas to themselves. That way, they don’t run the risk of offending others or being rejected.”

Level 4
This is the level of “appropriately acknowledging and expressing our real feelings.” Level 4 communication is the “deepest dimension of truthful communication.” We “acknowledge what we are feeling – both the positive and the negative, the pleasant and the not-so-pleasant – to ourselves, to God, and to each other.” We appropriately express “a wide range of feelings, including compassion, joy, sorrow, concern, and anger.” “Healthy, mature individuals are in touch with their emotions and are not ashamed to admit them to God and others. Healthy, mature individuals use their emotions not as weapons to inflict wounds on others, but constructively. And they encourage us to do the same.” Level 4 communication is a requirement for friendship and romantic love. Many people are incapable of, or refuse to enter into, Level 4 communication.

Recommended reading:

The Rare Jewel of Christian Contentment by Jeremiah Burroughs
Precious Remedies Against Satan’s Devices by Thomas Brooks
All Things for Good by Thomas Watson
On Keeping the Heart by John Flavel
The Crook in the Lot by Thomas Boston
Mute Christian Under the Rod by Thomas Brooks
The Mystery of Providence by John Flavel
The Mortification of Sin in Believers by John Owen
Your Family God’s Way: Developing & Sustaining Relationships in the Home by Wayne A. Mack
Frustrated by Authority: Victorious Living Under Imperfect Authority by Bob Smith
Responding Properly When God’s Plan Differs from Your Own by Steve Viars
Communication and Conflict Resolution: A Biblical Perspective by Stuart Scott
Idols of the Heart by Elyse Fitzpatrick
Overcoming Fear, Worry, and Anxiety by Elyse Fitzpatrick
From Pride to Humility: A Biblical Perspective by Stuart Scott

… three major factors stand out:

1. Nouthetic counseling is the wise application of biblical truth to persons whose lives dishonor God through the cessation (or slowing) of the progress of sanctification.
2. Nouthetic counseling functions so as to reinstitute the normal process of Christian sanctification in the counselee.
3. Nouthetic counseling seeks, in addition, to capitalize upon overcoming hindrances to spiritual growth by using the opportunity to promote greater ongoing growth….

Read the entire article here.

“Peacemakers… carry about with them an atmosphere in which quarrels die a natural death.” — R. T. Archibald

Read this book together as a family and do the homework at the end of each chapter. I guarantee it will benefit your family in a thousand ways. Do it now, while your family is young.

Laurie Bluedorn talks to some people at the University of Iowa campus on April 3, 2009. Why are you here on this planet? Why is life so hard? Do you think there is a divine purpose for your life?

Have you ever watched the television show The View — it’s a program where celebrity women discuss the important topics of the day. On Saturday, May 2nd, join us at Calvary Baptist Church (803 E. Mapleleaf Drive, Mount Pleasant, Iowa 319-385-3718) as three women speak to such questions as “Why am I here on this planet? Why is life so hard? and What is God’s purpose for my life?” — all from a Biblical viewpoint. Please join us from 9:00 am to 3:00 pm for this exciting thought-provoking women’s conference. No registration fees—an offering will be received. Speakers: Charlotte Bunge, Des Moines, Iowa; Laurie Dutton, Denver, Colorado; Dianne De Cleene, Ankeny, Iowa; Sherry VanHooser, Mt. Pleasant, Iowa.

There is no registration, but RSVP and send suggested conference “hot topic” questions to sherry AT calvaryconnections.org if you plan to attend.

“I suggest that we cross the line from self-examination to introspection when, in a sense, we do nothing but examine ourselves, and when such self-examination becomes the main and chief end of our life. We are meant to examine ourselves periodically, but if we are always doing it, always, as it were, putting our soul on a plate and dissecting it, that is introspection. And if we are always talking to people about ourselves and our problems and troubles, and if we are forever going to them with that kind of frown upon our face saying: I am in great difficulty–it probably means that we are all the time centered upon ourselves. That is introspection, and that in turn leads to the condition known as morbidity.”

People in the 1600s had just as many problems as we do now – actually, life was harder than it is today. We stress out about our credit card payment – they worried about finding enough food for even the next meal. The Puritans were experts at taking the sometimes dry theological truths of Scripture and applying them to the very heart of your deep, dark problem. Reading the Puritans, you’re going to wonder how they seemed to know 400 years ago the very things which trouble your own soul. There are no conditions – no, not even yours – which aren’t addressed in the Scriptures and which the Puritans expertly apply like a healing salve to your troubled heart.

The central theme for many of these soul care books is how God works all things in the world for His own glory and His people’s good. They liked to call it Providence. The Puritans urge us to love Providence.

Here are some titles: The Rare Jewel of Christian Contentment by Jeremiah Burroughs (my favorite); All Things for Good by Thomas Watson (my second favorite); The Christian in Complete Armour by William Gurnall; Precious Remedies Against Satan’s Devices by Thomas Brooks; Personal Declension and Revival by Octavius Winslow; The Religious Affections by Jonathan Edwards; Heaven on Earth by Thomas Brooks; A Lifting Up for the Downcast by William Bridge; The Bruised Reed by Richard Sibbes; The Christian’s Great Interest by William Guthrie.

The Puritans show us that the Scriptures give no out, they cover all the bases and leave us only one option – trust God in your very own life, dear reader, that there are no accidents, no mistakes, and everything is still on schedule.

Laurie Bluedorn