This excerpt was taken from Your Family God’s Way: Developing & Sustaining Relationships in the Home by Wayne A. Mack.

In an article entitled “How We Send Emotional Messages,” Ernst Beier graphically illustrates how easily we can mistake the messages people are conveying nonverbally.

We asked several people to act out six different moods on videotape. The moods were anger, fear, seductivity, indifference, happiness and sadness. Then we let our subjects review their portrayals and eliminate any that they felt were unrepresentative. When we played these videotapes to large audiences to discover if they could decode the moods intended, we found that everyone appears to send out misinformation… I shall never forget two examples of this discordance. One girl, who tried like everyone else to appear angry, fearful, seductive, indifferent, happy and sad… appeared to her judges as angry in every case. Imagine what a difficult world she must have lived in. No matter where she set the thermostat of her emotional climate, everyone else always felt it as sweltering hot. Another girl in our experiment… invariably impressed her judges as seductive. Even when wanted to be angry, men whistled at her.

Nonverbal communication is continuous, powerful, and easily misunderstood…

Level 1
This is the level of clichés and impersonal, automatic statements. Level 1 communication consists of conversation starters. “Good morning.” “Hello, how are you?” This type of communication is a smooth, pleasant, cheerful, efficient, and non-involvement method of dealing with people and may be ignored or received by the person you are communicating with. We all participate in Level 1 communication.

Level 2
This is the level of reporting facts or information. At Level 2 communication, “a person shares little of himself; he is merely functioning as an objective reporter.” It is an efficient, non-involvement method of transmitting information to people. When a husband tells his wife what happened at work that day and she tells him what she did at home, they are functioning at Level 2. “Relationships will remain superficial if conversation goes no deeper than this.” We all participate in Level 2 communication.

Level 3
This is the level of “imparting ideas, evaluations, or judgments, or inviting another person’s analysis of certain facts or events.” Conversations at Level 3 usually begin with: “In my opinion…,” “I think that…,” “In my judgment…,” “What do you think about…” Level 3 communication “promotes the development of intimate, satisfying relationships.” Some people seldom enter into Level 3 communication “because they want to protect themselves or others from pain, or because they are intimidated by disagreement of any kind. As long as they keep their opinions to themselves, no one can say: ‘That’s ridiculous! I don’t see why in the world you could ever think that way.’ And as long as they don’t ask for someone else’s evaluation or ideas, they will not receive advice that they don’t want to hear. To these people, it seems much better to keep their opinions and ideas to themselves. That way, they don’t run the risk of offending others or being rejected.”

Level 4
This is the level of “appropriately acknowledging and expressing our real feelings.” Level 4 communication is the “deepest dimension of truthful communication.” We “acknowledge what we are feeling – both the positive and the negative, the pleasant and the not-so-pleasant – to ourselves, to God, and to each other.” We appropriately express “a wide range of feelings, including compassion, joy, sorrow, concern, and anger.” “Healthy, mature individuals are in touch with their emotions and are not ashamed to admit them to God and others. Healthy, mature individuals use their emotions not as weapons to inflict wounds on others, but constructively. And they encourage us to do the same.” Level 4 communication is a requirement for friendship and romantic love. Many people are incapable of, or refuse to enter into, Level 4 communication.

Between these two “loves” is romantic love. Romantic love can be used by either. Infatuation uses romantic love as a tool to manipulate the object of its desire in order to win it over and gain possession of it – of course, it doesn’t believe that’s what it’s doing, but that is nevertheless the truth. Honest love between a couple uses romantic love to express genuine fondness, adoration, and devotion, not to manipulate or persuade, but to edify and encourage. But this kind of expression can honestly come only after full mutual commitment has been made – before commitment, romantic love cannot avoid being manipulative, no matter what other elements may be present.

Infatuation and honest love may appear to operate similarly, but they are no more the same than the thrill of shoplifting is the same as the enjoyment of shopping. One seeks to gain possession by a form of stealing – it is a flattering form of enslavement, while the other seeks mutual possession by a form of giving – it is a respectful and honoring liberation. The first is childish play – it may be mutual, but it is not healthy. The second is a mature sharing of life – it can be playful, it can be serious, but it is always healthy. The first seems deep because it is so sudden and intense, but it is really shallow and has no roots. The second may seem shallow at first, but that’s because it has roots which take time to grow.

Infatuated love is built on seeking a satisfaction of desire for the self to be loved – despite what self-justifying fantasies the infatuated lover may entertain otherwise. Honest love is built on respect and honor toward the other – which is satisfying a desire to love, not to be loved.

If allowed to grow, infatuated love will turn into a possessive love.

Honest love flows outward. Possessive love pulls inward.

Selfish, possessive love gives – but in order to get, to win, to possess. It says, “I want you, I need you, I love you,” but it means “I want you to want me, I need you to need me, I tell you I love you to get you to love me.”

What happens once possessive love secures the possession? The relationship begins to change. The possessed must be the exclusive property of the possessor. “I need your attention, your sympathy, your time, your presence. I need you to look after me exactly the way I have in mind. If you don’t do what I need, I will become very unhappy, and making me unhappy would be wrong because I told you I love you.” Yes, the object of love is thrilled to hear it said, “I love you,” but only because it misunderstands what it is meant by “love.”

Possessive love flatters with words and showers with gifts and offers token or temporary concessions to concerns, but these all amount to bribes to blind the judgment.

Exodus 23:8 “And you shall take no bribe, for a bribe blinds the discerning and perverts the words of the righteous.

A prolonged possessive relationship is damaging because it operates like a slow centrifuge, pushing away all other relationships. The objectivity slowly dissipates as the possessed gradually (or sometimes not so gradually) becomes the exclusive property of the possessor, and begins to see things only from the possessor’s point of view – and so begins to act like the possessor. Healthy relationships grow out into all of life. Possessive relationships shrink into the little world of the possessor.

The inner soul of the possessor is that of a child – immature and insecure – and his or hers – we’ll say “his” here to make the language simple – his way of compensating for his need for love and appreciation is to find someone who is very nurturing and giving in these areas and to do whatever it takes to gain possession of that person so that she (or he) will have great difficulty leaving. Of course, he does not realize that his short term gain is his long term loss, because in making himself the life-support project of the nurturer, he sucks all of the life blood out of her – she cannot thrive for long in his world.

The possessive person tells you their sorry story over and over again, in different forms and from different angles, because he is never satisfied that he has told you enough. He needs us to agree with him and to affirm him and to act in accordance with his view of the world and his attitude toward other persons. Once he believes we have entered his world, if we vary from this, he is unhappy or hurt, and if we do not come back to his way, he may use subtle or not so subtle means to bring us back into his fold, or to punish us when we don’t come. Of course, it is this type of behavior that finally begins to drive most people away. Everybody wants to feel needed and appreciated, but to be possessed for these things changes the nature of need and appreciation into expectation and entitlement, then obligation and approval/disapproval, and finally freedom becomes slavery.

2 Peter 2:19 While they promise them liberty, they themselves are slaves of corruption; for by whom a person is overcome, by him also he is brought into bondage.

This can be a possessive parent, a possessive offspring, a possessive friend, a possessive boy or girlfriend, a possessive spouse, a possessive family, a possessive organization, a possessive cult – the model operates on all scales in different forms.

Possessiveness is always unhealthy. Possessiveness is never genuine protectiveness. Protective love keeps its eyes open for the protected’s true interests – regardless of its own interests. Possessive love keeps its eyes open for the “protector’s” interests, including keeping the “protected” from true protectors.

Of course we can all see some of these faults in ourselves from moment to moment – a jealousy about a relationship, a coercive desire to have a need met, an interfering desire to protect – but I don’t think this is the sort of thing which characterizes most families.

Here are some of the signs of possessive persons and parties:

They don’t have many friends, and they have few if any other close friends.
They want us to be their closest friends, rather exclusively for themselves.
They don’t respect our time or resources or our other relations in life – all that matters to them is our relation with them.
They cause us to spend our time with them apart from others.
They flatter us with attention and endearing words.
They do things which mark us as their property – such as monopolizing us at public events.
They give us gifts – but do so in a way which expects (buys) our loyalty in return.
They may act unhappy or hurt and try to make us feel guilty when we enlarge our circle of relations.
They may act irrationally when we make an independent move contrary to what they want us to do.

1 John 3:18 My little children, let us not love in word or in tongue, but in deed and in truth.

At the end of history there will be a wedding supper. God the Father (the perfect Father) will give His bride (which is us — the Church), whom He has perfected and protected throughout all of history, to the perfect Bridegroom (which is Christ — the Lamb of God).

Revelation 19:7-9 “Let us be glad and rejoice and give Him glory, for the marriage of the Lamb has come, and His wife has made herself ready.” And to her it was granted to be arrayed in fine linen, clean and bright, for the fine linen is the righteous acts of the saints. Then he said to me, “Write: ‘Blessed are those who are called to the marriage supper of the Lamb!’ ” And he said to me, “These are the true sayings of God.”

Revelation 21:2 Then I, John, saw the holy city, New Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband.

Revelation 21:9 Then one of the seven angels… came to me and talked with me, saying, “Come, I will show you the bride, the Lamb’s wife.”

Isaiah 61:10 I will greatly rejoice in the LORD, My soul shall be joyful in my God; For He has clothed me with the garments of salvation, He has covered me with the robe of righteousness, As a bridegroom decks himself with ornaments, And as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.

Human marriage is a picture and a shadow of this future event.

Hebrew 9:9 It is a symbol for this present time….

Ephesians 5:23-24 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. … This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church.

The imperfect earthly father (a weak and fault-filled example of the perfect Father) gives his daughter, whom he has perfected and protected throughout her life (although in a weak and imperfect way), to the bridegroom whom the father has deemed suitable. At the wedding supper the preacher asks, “Who gives this bride to this bridegroom?” The father responds, “I have deemed this bridegroom to be suitable and so I give my daughter to him, if she so agrees.” The father hands over his daughter to the bridegroom, and if the daughter agrees, she then takes the hand of the bridegroom.

2 Corinthians 11:2 For I am jealous for you with godly jealousy. For I have betrothed you to one husband, that I may present you as a chaste virgin to Christ.

This is an imperfect picture and shadow of the perfect culmination of history — when God is finished dealing with this wicked world.

The great betrothal of the Prince of Glory is ours, for it is to us that He is affianced, as the sacred nuptials shall ere long declare to an assembled universe. C.H. Spurgeon

The following is a modernization and updating of a selection from:

Of Domestical Duties, Fifth Treatise, Duties of Children, by William Gouge, London, 1622.

Just Reasons why Offspring should have Their Parents’ Consent to Their Marriage

1. By marriage, offspring are put away from their parents:

Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. — Genesis 2:24

Does not reason dictate that those from whom offspring have their human existence, and by whom they have been cared for and trained up, should be honored with notice and consent of their marriage and leaving them?

2. By the marriage of his offspring, a parents’ power is passed over to the husband or wife of the offspring. Shall such a power be taken away without the advice and consent of the parent?

3. Offspring are more impetuous and hasty from lack of experience, and are more prone to seek to satisfy their present fleshly desire than to provide a good and lasting companion for themselves; but parents by the instinct of nature love their offspring as well as the offspring love themselves, and due to much experience have a better understanding of what a suitable companion would be, and are better able to discern in this case because it is not their own case and yet it is the case of someone whom they love as themselves, and to whom they wish as much good as they wish for themselves. For the offspring’s good, is it not right that the parent should have effective power in a matter of such important consequence as marriage?

Regarding the Sin of Offspring Marrying without their Parents’ Consent

Offspring of a contrary mind and practice are those who lightly esteem their parents’ jurisdiction, who take matches of their own choice, and who sometimes do so privately without giving any notice at all to their parents, and who sometimes do so most rebelliously against their parents’ intentions and orders.

This is not much unlike those who in the old world before the flood were condemned for taking wives for themselves of all whom they chose.

…that the sons of God saw the daughters of men, that they were beautiful; and they took wives for themselves of all whom they chose. 3 And the LORD said, “My Spirit shall not strive with man forever, for he is indeed flesh; yet his days shall be one hundred and twenty years.” 5 Then the LORD saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every intent of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually. 6 And the LORD was sorry that He had made man on the earth, and He was grieved in His heart. — Genesis 6:2-3, 5-6

This practice was one branch of that wickedness for which the world was drowned.

This is rather like Esau who took such wives as proved to be a grief to his parents.

When Esau was forty years old, he took as wives Judith the daughter of Beeri the Hittite, and Basemath the daughter of Elon the Hittite. 35 And they were a grief of mind to Isaac and Rebekah. — Genesis 26:34

What blessing can be expected to fall upon such marriages? Or rather what curse may not be feared to follow them?

Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long upon the land which the LORD your God is giving you. — Exodus 20:12

Honor your father and your mother, as the LORD your God has commanded you, that your days may be long, and that it may be well with you in the land which the LORD your God is giving you. — Deuteronomy 5:16

Cursed is the one who treats his father or his mother with contempt. ’And all the people shall say, ‘Amen!’ — Deuteronomy 27:16

Whoever curses his father or his mother, His lamp will be put out in deep darkness. — Proverbs 20:20

Happy is the man who is always reverent, But he who hardens his heart will fall into calamity. — Proverbs 28:14

There is a generation that curses its father, And does not bless its mother. — Proverbs 30:11

The eye that mocks his father, And scorns obedience to his mother, The ravens of the valley will pick it out, And the young eagles will eat it. — Proverbs 30:17

You know the commandments … ‘Honor your father and your mother.’ — Mark 10:19

[Speaking of adults] God gave them over to a debased mind, to do those things which are not fitting; 29 being filled with all unrighteousness, sexual immorality, wickedness, covetousness, maliciousness; full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, evil-mindedness; they are whisperers, 30 backbiters, haters of God, violent, proud, boasters, inventors of evil things, disobedient to parents, 31 undiscerning, untrustworthy, unloving, unforgiving, unmerciful; 32 who, knowing the righteous judgment of God, that those who practice such things are deserving of death, not only do the same but also approve of those who practice them. — Romans 1:28-32

Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2 “Honor your father and mother,” which is the first commandment with promise: 3 “that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth.” — Ephesians 6:1-3

Children, obey your parents in all things, for this is well pleasing to the Lord. — Colossians 3:20

But if any widow has children or grandchildren, let them first learn to show piety at home and to repay their parents; for this is good and acceptable before God. — 1 Timothy 5:4

[Speaking of adults] For men will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, 3 unloving, unforgiving, slanderers, without self-control, brutal, despisers of good, 4 traitors, headstrong, haughty, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, 5 having a form of godliness but denying its power. And from such people turn away! — 2 Timothy 3:2-5

By this type of behavior, God’s law is transgressed; God’s image in parents is despised; what is more proper to them than any goods – namely, their child – is fraudulently or violently taken from them; their souls are grieved; and they are often justly provoked to cast off their offspring and to curse their offspring’s marriages. God’s curse often follows the just curse of a parent. [With some crimes – such as common theft or simple lying – repentance and a restoration may repair most damages. Yet with other crimes – such as murder and rape – something precious is taken which can never be restored regardless of repentance. Marriage without parental consent is a kidnapping and a rape, a betrayal and in principle a murder, a theft of inheritance and a breach upon social order, bringing a measure of irreparable damage to parents, to the sinning couple, to the following generation, and to society as a whole.]

An Objection favoring Offspring Marrying without Parents’ Consent

Objection: Offspring marry for themselves and not for their parents, why then should the parents’ consent be so much depended upon?

Answer 1: Though offspring do not marry for their parents, yet they do marry from their parents, that is, by marriage they are freed from the jurisdiction of their parents. (See the second reason above, under Just Reasons why Offspring should have Their Parents’ Consent to Their Marriage)

Answer 2: Offspring are not their own; they are the inheritance from the Lord (Psalm 127:3): the Lord has given them to parents as an inheritance, therefore an offspring may no more marry for himself without consent of parents than take his parents’ goods for himself. [The offspring’s marriage serves as the parents’ happiness and security in old age.]

And he who strikes his father or his mother shall surely be put to death. 16 He who kidnaps a man [person] and sells him, or if he [or she] is found in his hand [as a slave or a wife], shall surely be put to death. 17 And he who curses his father or his mother shall surely be put to death. [Compare 1 Timothy 1:9-10 below.] — Exodus 21:15-17

For everyone who curses his father or his mother shall surely be put to death. He has cursed his father or his mother. His blood shall be upon him.” — Leviticus 20:9

If a man is found kidnapping any of his brethren of the children of Israel, and mistreats him or sells him, then that kidnapper shall die; and you shall put away the evil from among you. — Deuteronomy 24:7

He who mistreats his father and chases away his mother is a son who causes shame and brings reproach. — Proverbs 19:26

Whoever curses his father or his mother, His lamp will be put out in deep darkness. — Proverbs 20:20

Whoever robs his father or his mother, And says, “It is no transgression,” The same is companion to a destroyer. — Proverbs 28:24

There is a generation that curses its father, And does not bless its mother. — Proverbs 30:11

For God commanded, saying, ‘Honor your father and your mother’; and, ‘He who curses father or mother, let him be put to death.’ 5 But you say, ‘Whoever says to his father or mother, “Whatever profit you might have received from me is a gift to God” — 6 then he need not honor his father or mother.’ Thus you have made the commandment of God of no effect by your tradition. — Matthew 15:4-6

He said to them, “All too well you reject the commandment of God, that you may keep your tradition. 10 For Moses said, ‘Honor your father and your mother’; and, ‘He who curses father or mother, let him be put to death.’ 11 But you say, ‘If a man says to his father or mother, “Whatever profit you might have received from me is Corban”‘ — (that is, a gift to God), 12 then you no longer let him do anything for his father or his mother, 13 making the word of God of no effect through your tradition which you have handed down. And many such things you do.” — Mark 7:9-13

… the law is not made for a righteous person, but for the lawless and insubordinate, for the ungodly and for sinners, for the unholy and profane, for murderers of fathers and murderers of mothers, for manslayers, 10 for fornicators, for sodomites, for kidnappers [person-stealers], for liars, for perjurers, and if there is any other thing that is contrary to sound doctrine. [Compare Exodus 21:15-16 above.] — 1 Timothy 1:9-10

But if any widow has children or grandchildren, let them first learn to show piety at home and to repay their parents; for this is good and acceptable before God. — 1 Timothy 5:4

Regarding Stealing Offspring from Parents for the sake of Marriage

Anyone who fraudulently allures or who forcefully takes away offspring to have them marry in any way other than what their parents would desire makes himself an accessory to the sin of offspring marrying without their parents’ consent, and thereby makes himself an object of the just vengeance lawfully pursued by the parents. This is a worse kind of felony than stealing away the goods of a man. Offspring much more properly belong to a man than do his own goods, and are dearer to him than any goods can be, and are ever so much more highly to be esteemed because they are his personal relations not mere objects. Our statute law [back in 1622] expressly condemns this, and imposes a severe punishment on whoever should offend in this way. And such offenders justly do deserve to be severely punished, both in regard to the heinousness – the shockingly wickedness – of the sin, and also in regard to the many ill and injurious consequences which follow upon it, such as the alienation of parents’ affection from their offspring, the disinheriting of heirs, the enmity between the friends of each party of those who are married in this way, the contentious suits at law, the ruin of families, and, if the persons whose offspring are married without their parents’ consent are distinguished and honorable, the disturbance of whole towns, cities, and nations. Take for instance the destruction of the Shechemites (Gen 34). This same sin is said to have been the cause for the ten years’ war between the Greeks and Trojans and the ruin of Troy.

Regarding the Sin of Ministers Who Marry Offspring without Parents’ Consent

Whether through carelessness – by not taking due account of whether the parties whom they marry have their parents’ consent – or through bribery – by being hired for some reward to marry offspring which they know do not have their parents’ consent – such ministers who do this make themselves accomplices in a high degree to the sin of marrying without parents’ consent. Their deed is as evil as the deed of the principal parties themselves. Their solemnization of such marriages embolden the parties in this sin who have been married in this way, and also embolden all the persons in this sin who were present at the marriage. As the representative of the person of God, these ministers highly dishonor God’s holy ordinance by saying of such persons as God has explicitly forbidden to be so joined together, that those whom God has joined together no man may separate. If ministers had no hand in such unlawful marriages, such marriages could not be made, for our Church approves of no marriage unless it has been solemnized by a minister. For this reason, whenever any offspring is married without the consent of their parents, then some minister is guilty of this sin of the soul. Therefore it is good that our church, in order to prevent this sin, expressly forbids ministers to marry anyone without parents’ consent, and it inflicts a severe censure on those who offend in this matter.

The following is a modernization and updating of a selection from:

Of Domestical Duties, Fifth Treatise, Duties of Children, by William Gouge, London, 1622.

Regarding Parents’ Consent to the Marriage of Their Offspring

That offspring ought to have their parents’ consent to their marriage is evident beyond all question. Consider the following reasons:

1. God himself has given us this pattern: He first brought the woman to the man (Gen 2:22)

Then the rib which the LORD God had taken from man He made into a woman, and He brought her to the man. — Genesis 2:22

By this God shows that he who gave human existence to the woman had jurisdiction to give her in marriage, which jurisdiction is now delegated to the parents because, under God, offspring now receive their human existence from them. In this case parents stand in God’s place, and function as God’s agent to join their offspring in marriage.

2. God has given explicit laws concerning this point.

a. The general moral law, which is the foundation for all other duties of offspring.

“Honor your father and your mother.” — Exodus 20:12; Deuteronomy 5:16; Matthew 15:4; 19:19; Mark 7:10; 10:19; Luke 18:20; Ephesians 6:2

b. The jurisdiction and directive which God has laid upon parents – to give their daughters to husbands, and to take wives for their sons – has the force of a law to bind offspring from taking wives for themselves or giving themselves to husbands without or against their parents’ consent.

“Nor shall you make marriages with them. You shall not give your daughter to their son, nor take their daughter for your son.” — Deuteronomy 7:3 (Compare Exodus 34:25; Joshua 23:12; Judges 3:6; 1 Kings 11:2; Ezra 9:2; Nehemiah 13:23-27; 2 Corinthians 6:14-17)

c. This law was not limited to the Jews only, but as a branch of the moral law it is for all men, and it is particularly pressed upon Christians.

But if any man [= the protector**] thinks he is behaving improperly toward his virgin [= the protected**], if she is past the flower of youth [= of full marriageable age], and thus it must be [= there is no technical restraint], let him [= the protector] do what he wishes [/chooses]. He does not sin [to consent]; let them marry. 37 Nevertheless he [= the protector] who stands steadfast in his heart, having no necessity [= no compelling obligation], but has power over his own will [literally: possessing authority concerning his own choice], and has so determined in his heart that he will keep [literally: continue protecting] his virgin [= the protected], does well. 38 So then he who gives her in marriage does well, but he who does not give her in marriage does better. — 1 Corinthians 7:36-38

[**Verse 37 explicitly identifies the man as the lawful protector of, and verse 38 explicitly identifies the man as the one possessing authority to give or not to give her in marriage. Men commonly married in their thirties and died in their fifties or early sixties, so frequently enough a father would die before his younger daughters were of full marriageable age. With prospect of his untimely death, a father would duly and lawfully appoint another to be protector for his daughter – ordinarily a close relative, such an uncle as protector of his niece. Hence if Paul had written “father” and “daughter,” he would likely have introduced an unnecessary confusion. Modern life expectancies somewhat obscure this otherwise obvious point. Despite the variable identity of the protector, the constant in this passage is that the man either continues to protect the virgin or he gives her to another man – her husband – to protect her. Her coverture passes from one protector to another, usually from father to husband. She is always under the jurisdiction of one man to protect her choices (Genesis 3:16; 18:12; Numbers 30:1-16; Esther 1:16-20; Romans 7:1-3; 1 Corinthians 7:39; 11:3; 7-10; 14:33-35; Ephesians 5:22-24, 33; Colossians 3:18; 1 Timothy 2:11-13; Titus 2:5; 1 Peter 3:1, 5-6). It was the serpent who isolated the perfect woman from her protector and beguiled her to make a life-determining choice on her own though affecting everyone connected to her (1 Corinthians 4:15 with 2 Corinthians 11:2-3; Galatians 1:6 with 4:17; 1 Timothy 2:14). He essentially usurped Adam’s role by introducing doubt with a question about the order and intentions of things. In 1622, an explanatory note such as this was unnecessary. There is really no ambiguity here – it is self-explanatory. Confusion and ambiguity only arise when we try to read modern culture into this Scripture.]

d. To this may be added the judicial law of a parent’s power in giving his daughter, or refusing to give her in marriage to someone who had deflowered her.

“If her father utterly refuses to give her to him, he shall pay money according to the bride-price of virgins.” — Exodus 22:17

3. The practice of God’s people recorded and approved in Scripture agrees with the Law.

a. Isaac married the wife which his father provided.

So Abraham said to the oldest servant of his house, who ruled over all that he had, “Please, put your hand under my thigh, 3 and I will make you swear by the LORD, the God of heaven and the God of the earth, that you will not take a wife for my son from the daughters of the Canaanites, among whom I dwell; 4 but you shall go to my country and to my family, and take a wife for my son Isaac.” … Then Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah’s tent; and he took Rebekah and she became his wife, and he loved her. So Isaac was comforted after his mother’s death. — Genesis 24:2-4, 67

b. Jacob both obeyed his father in going to Laban’s house for a wife and also when he came to Laban to ask for his daughter from him.

Then Isaac called Jacob and blessed him, and charged him, and said to him: “You shall not take a wife from the daughters of Canaan. 2 “Arise, go to Padan Aram, to the house of Bethuel your mother’s father; and take yourself a wife from there of the daughters of Laban your mother’s brother. — Genesis 28:1-2

Now Jacob loved Rachel; so he said, “I will serve you seven years for Rachel your younger daughter.” 19 And Laban said, “It is better that I give her to you than that I should give her to another man. Stay with me.” 20 So Jacob served seven years for Rachel, and they seemed only a few days to him because of the love he had for her. 21 Then Jacob said to Laban, “Give me my wife, for my days are fulfilled, that I may go in to her.” … 26 And Laban said, “It must not be done so in our country, to give the younger before the firstborn. 27 “Fulfill her week, and we will give you this one also for the service which you will serve with me still another seven years.” 28 Then Jacob did so and fulfilled her week. So he gave him his daughter Rachel as wife also. — Genesis 29:18-21, 26-28

c. Though Samson saw a daughter of the Philistines which pleased him well, yet he would not marry her before he had his parents’ consent.

So he went up and told his father and mother, saying, “I have seen a woman in Timnah of the daughters of the Philistines; now therefore, get her for me as a wife.” — Judges 14:2

4. The testimony of God’s people shows that offspring had no custom or practice of being married without the consent of their parents.

a. Compare the words of Tamar:

“… Now therefore, please speak to the king [who was her father]; for he will not withhold me from you.” — 2 Samuel 13:13

b. Compare the oath of the Israelites

Now the men of Israel had sworn an oath at Mizpah, saying, “None of us shall give his daughter to Benjamin as a wife.” — Judges 21:1

5. The ancient fathers of the Church have in their ages taught offspring this duty, and pronounced marriages of offspring without consent of parents to be unlawful.

6. Even the heathen have observed the justice of this.

a. Though Shechem loved Dinah, and had deflowered her, yet he would not marry her without the consent of his and her father.

So Shechem spoke to his father Hamor, saying, “Get me this young woman as a wife.” … 6 Then Hamor the father of Shechem went out to Jacob to speak with him. — Genesis 34:4, 6

b. Ishmael had learned as much either by the instruction he had received out of Abraham’s house, or else by the light of nature: for he kept with the choice which his mother had made for him.

… his mother took a wife for him from the land of Egypt. — Genesis 21:21

Wedding for Johannah Bluedorn and Adam Stanford

Welcome to the celebration of Christian Marriage for Johannah Bluedorn and Adam Stanford. They have chosen to share with you, their families and friends, this newest step of joy in their lives. We rejoice with them in their solemn commitment before God as we share this special time with them.

Prayer of invocation by the Pastor.

Only two persons enter into a marriage. God’s word teaches that each person leaves father and mother and clings only to the chosen marriage partner. When you enter marriage, old things pass away, and all things become new. Your unique relationship grows as you learn to look only to one another for support, love, comfort and strength. Affirming this new relationship then, who gives this bride in Christian Marriage?

Father answers — “I Do”

Marriage is a gift from God. The oldest concern of God for humans was that man should not be alone. So God, in his own unique, loving way, created the first woman in order that life could be shared by the first couple. They fulfilled their own lives in each other, and shared with God in creating all new life. Jesus affirmed Genesis when he said: “Haven’t you read that at the beginning the Creator made them male and female and said ‘for this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they two will become one flesh’.” (Matt. 19:4-6)

Christian Marriage is not based upon the feelings of the moment, or even of a longer period of time. It is not founded upon the compatibility of the persons you have become to this time. You will each continue to grow, and to change throughout your lives together. Marriage is based on a covenant – a sacred promise you make before God and these witnesses. You cannot keep your feelings the same throughout life. You cannot keep your partner the same. BUT YOU CAN KEEP YOUR PROMISES. Your promises then, given by faith to the Heavenly Father and to one another, become the basis for your marriage to one another.

Christian Marriage is a faith covenant. It demands trust, openness of life and thought, freedom from suspicion and doubt, and the willingness to speak the truth in love. Faith in God and in one another will protect you from destructive jealousy and guide you to great joy as you each continue to mature in your own lives, in your relationship to one another, and to Christ.

Christian Marriage is also a covenant of hope. In hope each of you pledge yourselves to always seek to see the best in one another, to interpret each others behavior with understanding and compassion. It means always expecting the very best for and from the other, and always helping the other to become their best in all things. This ceremony does not open to you a secret garden of wonder and delight for the rest of your lives. At its best, it offers you a plot of ground, a packet of seeds and a shovel and hoe. You will have the Garden you agree on, work together for, and believe in.

Your marriage is also a covenant of Love. Not only as the world loves, thinking of pleasing ones own self, but that special quality of love that is described in scripture: Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. (1 Cor. 13:4-8, N.I.V.)

Adam Michael Stanford, in taking this woman to be your wife, I require your solemn promise before God and these witnesses that you will love, honor and protect her, be faithful to her in all things, and, forsaking all others, hold only to her as long as you both shall live. Do you so promise?

Johannah Leah Bluedorn, in taking this man to be your husband, I require your solemn promise before God and these witnesses that you will love honor and obey him, be faithful to him in all things, and forsaking all others, hold only to him as long as you both shall live. Do you so promise?

Since you are prepared to take one another as marriage partners, please face one another, join your right hands, and repeat the vows of your marriage.

I, Adam, take you Johannah, – to be my wife – to live together under God – so long as we both shall live – I will love you truly – in sickness and health, – in poverty and plenty, – in sorrow and joy. I choose you now – and for each new day – I will keep this covenant – with you and our Lord.

I, Johannah, take you Adam, – to be my husband – to live together under God – so long as we both shall live – I will love you truly – in sickness and health, – in poverty and plenty, – in sorrow and joy. I choose you now – and for each new day – I will keep this covenant – with you and our Lord.

Your rings are the visible sign of the covenant you make this day. It is a circle, to remind you of the endless nature of your promise and your joys. After the flood, God gave the rainbow with the promise “When I look on the rainbow, I will remember the covenant I have made with you.” (Genesis 9:16 paraphrased) Wear these rings as your own covenant sign. Look at them often and renew daily the promises you have given to each other on this day.

Exchange of Rings – Each will say — With this ring, I thee wed.

Prayer by Pastor

Please join your right hands.

Adam and Johannah, in light of your vows before God, your intention to be married to each other so long as you both shall live, in accordance with the laws of God and of the state of Illinois, I now pronounce you husband and wife. Those whom God hath joined together, let no man put asunder.

I am happy to present to you Mr. and Mrs. Adam Stanford.

Adam and Johannah Stanford on August 26, 2007

Adam, Johannah, and Eric Stanford on September 11, 2010

Qualities to Look For – Or Avoid – In A Potential Mate by Darryl M. Erkel

Topics for Conversation When a Man and a Woman Are Considering Marriage by John Piper

Q&A on Singleness audio workshop by John Piper

Love & Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs