Between these two “loves” is romantic love. Romantic love can be used by either. Infatuation uses romantic love as a tool to manipulate the object of its desire in order to win it over and gain possession of it – of course, it doesn’t believe that’s what it’s doing, but that is nevertheless the truth. Honest love between a couple uses romantic love to express genuine fondness, adoration, and devotion, not to manipulate or persuade, but to edify and encourage. But this kind of expression can honestly come only after full mutual commitment has been made – before commitment, romantic love cannot avoid being manipulative, no matter what other elements may be present.

Infatuation and honest love may appear to operate similarly, but they are no more the same than the thrill of shoplifting is the same as the enjoyment of shopping. One seeks to gain possession by a form of stealing – it is a flattering form of enslavement, while the other seeks mutual possession by a form of giving – it is a respectful and honoring liberation. The first is childish play – it may be mutual, but it is not healthy. The second is a mature sharing of life – it can be playful, it can be serious, but it is always healthy. The first seems deep because it is so sudden and intense, but it is really shallow and has no roots. The second may seem shallow at first, but that’s because it has roots which take time to grow.

Infatuated love is built on seeking a satisfaction of desire for the self to be loved – despite what self-justifying fantasies the infatuated lover may entertain otherwise. Honest love is built on respect and honor toward the other – which is satisfying a desire to love, not to be loved.

If allowed to grow, infatuated love will turn into a possessive love.

Honest love flows outward. Possessive love pulls inward.

Selfish, possessive love gives – but in order to get, to win, to possess. It says, “I want you, I need you, I love you,” but it means “I want you to want me, I need you to need me, I tell you I love you to get you to love me.”

What happens once possessive love secures the possession? The relationship begins to change. The possessed must be the exclusive property of the possessor. “I need your attention, your sympathy, your time, your presence. I need you to look after me exactly the way I have in mind. If you don’t do what I need, I will become very unhappy, and making me unhappy would be wrong because I told you I love you.” Yes, the object of love is thrilled to hear it said, “I love you,” but only because it misunderstands what it is meant by “love.”

Possessive love flatters with words and showers with gifts and offers token or temporary concessions to concerns, but these all amount to bribes to blind the judgment.

Exodus 23:8 “And you shall take no bribe, for a bribe blinds the discerning and perverts the words of the righteous.

A prolonged possessive relationship is damaging because it operates like a slow centrifuge, pushing away all other relationships. The objectivity slowly dissipates as the possessed gradually (or sometimes not so gradually) becomes the exclusive property of the possessor, and begins to see things only from the possessor’s point of view – and so begins to act like the possessor. Healthy relationships grow out into all of life. Possessive relationships shrink into the little world of the possessor.

The inner soul of the possessor is that of a child – immature and insecure – and his or hers – we’ll say “his” here to make the language simple – his way of compensating for his need for love and appreciation is to find someone who is very nurturing and giving in these areas and to do whatever it takes to gain possession of that person so that she (or he) will have great difficulty leaving. Of course, he does not realize that his short term gain is his long term loss, because in making himself the life-support project of the nurturer, he sucks all of the life blood out of her – she cannot thrive for long in his world.

The possessive person tells you their sorry story over and over again, in different forms and from different angles, because he is never satisfied that he has told you enough. He needs us to agree with him and to affirm him and to act in accordance with his view of the world and his attitude toward other persons. Once he believes we have entered his world, if we vary from this, he is unhappy or hurt, and if we do not come back to his way, he may use subtle or not so subtle means to bring us back into his fold, or to punish us when we don’t come. Of course, it is this type of behavior that finally begins to drive most people away. Everybody wants to feel needed and appreciated, but to be possessed for these things changes the nature of need and appreciation into expectation and entitlement, then obligation and approval/disapproval, and finally freedom becomes slavery.

2 Peter 2:19 While they promise them liberty, they themselves are slaves of corruption; for by whom a person is overcome, by him also he is brought into bondage.

This can be a possessive parent, a possessive offspring, a possessive friend, a possessive boy or girlfriend, a possessive spouse, a possessive family, a possessive organization, a possessive cult – the model operates on all scales in different forms.

Possessiveness is always unhealthy. Possessiveness is never genuine protectiveness. Protective love keeps its eyes open for the protected’s true interests – regardless of its own interests. Possessive love keeps its eyes open for the “protector’s” interests, including keeping the “protected” from true protectors.

Of course we can all see some of these faults in ourselves from moment to moment – a jealousy about a relationship, a coercive desire to have a need met, an interfering desire to protect – but I don’t think this is the sort of thing which characterizes most families.

Here are some of the signs of possessive persons and parties:

They don’t have many friends, and they have few if any other close friends.
They want us to be their closest friends, rather exclusively for themselves.
They don’t respect our time or resources or our other relations in life – all that matters to them is our relation with them.
They cause us to spend our time with them apart from others.
They flatter us with attention and endearing words.
They do things which mark us as their property – such as monopolizing us at public events.
They give us gifts – but do so in a way which expects (buys) our loyalty in return.
They may act unhappy or hurt and try to make us feel guilty when we enlarge our circle of relations.
They may act irrationally when we make an independent move contrary to what they want us to do.

1 John 3:18 My little children, let us not love in word or in tongue, but in deed and in truth.

The following is a modernization and updating of a selection from:

Of Domestical Duties, Fifth Treatise, Duties of Children, by William Gouge, London, 1622.

Just Reasons why Offspring should have Their Parents’ Consent to Their Marriage

1. By marriage, offspring are put away from their parents:

Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. — Genesis 2:24

Does not reason dictate that those from whom offspring have their human existence, and by whom they have been cared for and trained up, should be honored with notice and consent of their marriage and leaving them?

2. By the marriage of his offspring, a parents’ power is passed over to the husband or wife of the offspring. Shall such a power be taken away without the advice and consent of the parent?

3. Offspring are more impetuous and hasty from lack of experience, and are more prone to seek to satisfy their present fleshly desire than to provide a good and lasting companion for themselves; but parents by the instinct of nature love their offspring as well as the offspring love themselves, and due to much experience have a better understanding of what a suitable companion would be, and are better able to discern in this case because it is not their own case and yet it is the case of someone whom they love as themselves, and to whom they wish as much good as they wish for themselves. For the offspring’s good, is it not right that the parent should have effective power in a matter of such important consequence as marriage?

Regarding the Sin of Offspring Marrying without their Parents’ Consent

Offspring of a contrary mind and practice are those who lightly esteem their parents’ jurisdiction, who take matches of their own choice, and who sometimes do so privately without giving any notice at all to their parents, and who sometimes do so most rebelliously against their parents’ intentions and orders.

This is not much unlike those who in the old world before the flood were condemned for taking wives for themselves of all whom they chose.

…that the sons of God saw the daughters of men, that they were beautiful; and they took wives for themselves of all whom they chose. 3 And the LORD said, “My Spirit shall not strive with man forever, for he is indeed flesh; yet his days shall be one hundred and twenty years.” 5 Then the LORD saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every intent of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually. 6 And the LORD was sorry that He had made man on the earth, and He was grieved in His heart. — Genesis 6:2-3, 5-6

This practice was one branch of that wickedness for which the world was drowned.

This is rather like Esau who took such wives as proved to be a grief to his parents.

When Esau was forty years old, he took as wives Judith the daughter of Beeri the Hittite, and Basemath the daughter of Elon the Hittite. 35 And they were a grief of mind to Isaac and Rebekah. — Genesis 26:34

What blessing can be expected to fall upon such marriages? Or rather what curse may not be feared to follow them?

Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long upon the land which the LORD your God is giving you. — Exodus 20:12

Honor your father and your mother, as the LORD your God has commanded you, that your days may be long, and that it may be well with you in the land which the LORD your God is giving you. — Deuteronomy 5:16

Cursed is the one who treats his father or his mother with contempt. ’And all the people shall say, ‘Amen!’ — Deuteronomy 27:16

Whoever curses his father or his mother, His lamp will be put out in deep darkness. — Proverbs 20:20

Happy is the man who is always reverent, But he who hardens his heart will fall into calamity. — Proverbs 28:14

There is a generation that curses its father, And does not bless its mother. — Proverbs 30:11

The eye that mocks his father, And scorns obedience to his mother, The ravens of the valley will pick it out, And the young eagles will eat it. — Proverbs 30:17

You know the commandments … ‘Honor your father and your mother.’ — Mark 10:19

[Speaking of adults] God gave them over to a debased mind, to do those things which are not fitting; 29 being filled with all unrighteousness, sexual immorality, wickedness, covetousness, maliciousness; full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, evil-mindedness; they are whisperers, 30 backbiters, haters of God, violent, proud, boasters, inventors of evil things, disobedient to parents, 31 undiscerning, untrustworthy, unloving, unforgiving, unmerciful; 32 who, knowing the righteous judgment of God, that those who practice such things are deserving of death, not only do the same but also approve of those who practice them. — Romans 1:28-32

Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2 “Honor your father and mother,” which is the first commandment with promise: 3 “that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth.” — Ephesians 6:1-3

Children, obey your parents in all things, for this is well pleasing to the Lord. — Colossians 3:20

But if any widow has children or grandchildren, let them first learn to show piety at home and to repay their parents; for this is good and acceptable before God. — 1 Timothy 5:4

[Speaking of adults] For men will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, 3 unloving, unforgiving, slanderers, without self-control, brutal, despisers of good, 4 traitors, headstrong, haughty, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, 5 having a form of godliness but denying its power. And from such people turn away! — 2 Timothy 3:2-5

By this type of behavior, God’s law is transgressed; God’s image in parents is despised; what is more proper to them than any goods – namely, their child – is fraudulently or violently taken from them; their souls are grieved; and they are often justly provoked to cast off their offspring and to curse their offspring’s marriages. God’s curse often follows the just curse of a parent. [With some crimes – such as common theft or simple lying – repentance and a restoration may repair most damages. Yet with other crimes – such as murder and rape – something precious is taken which can never be restored regardless of repentance. Marriage without parental consent is a kidnapping and a rape, a betrayal and in principle a murder, a theft of inheritance and a breach upon social order, bringing a measure of irreparable damage to parents, to the sinning couple, to the following generation, and to society as a whole.]

An Objection favoring Offspring Marrying without Parents’ Consent

Objection: Offspring marry for themselves and not for their parents, why then should the parents’ consent be so much depended upon?

Answer 1: Though offspring do not marry for their parents, yet they do marry from their parents, that is, by marriage they are freed from the jurisdiction of their parents. (See the second reason above, under Just Reasons why Offspring should have Their Parents’ Consent to Their Marriage)

Answer 2: Offspring are not their own; they are the inheritance from the Lord (Psalm 127:3): the Lord has given them to parents as an inheritance, therefore an offspring may no more marry for himself without consent of parents than take his parents’ goods for himself. [The offspring’s marriage serves as the parents’ happiness and security in old age.]

And he who strikes his father or his mother shall surely be put to death. 16 He who kidnaps a man [person] and sells him, or if he [or she] is found in his hand [as a slave or a wife], shall surely be put to death. 17 And he who curses his father or his mother shall surely be put to death. [Compare 1 Timothy 1:9-10 below.] — Exodus 21:15-17

For everyone who curses his father or his mother shall surely be put to death. He has cursed his father or his mother. His blood shall be upon him.” — Leviticus 20:9

If a man is found kidnapping any of his brethren of the children of Israel, and mistreats him or sells him, then that kidnapper shall die; and you shall put away the evil from among you. — Deuteronomy 24:7

He who mistreats his father and chases away his mother is a son who causes shame and brings reproach. — Proverbs 19:26

Whoever curses his father or his mother, His lamp will be put out in deep darkness. — Proverbs 20:20

Whoever robs his father or his mother, And says, “It is no transgression,” The same is companion to a destroyer. — Proverbs 28:24

There is a generation that curses its father, And does not bless its mother. — Proverbs 30:11

For God commanded, saying, ‘Honor your father and your mother’; and, ‘He who curses father or mother, let him be put to death.’ 5 But you say, ‘Whoever says to his father or mother, “Whatever profit you might have received from me is a gift to God” — 6 then he need not honor his father or mother.’ Thus you have made the commandment of God of no effect by your tradition. — Matthew 15:4-6

He said to them, “All too well you reject the commandment of God, that you may keep your tradition. 10 For Moses said, ‘Honor your father and your mother’; and, ‘He who curses father or mother, let him be put to death.’ 11 But you say, ‘If a man says to his father or mother, “Whatever profit you might have received from me is Corban”‘ — (that is, a gift to God), 12 then you no longer let him do anything for his father or his mother, 13 making the word of God of no effect through your tradition which you have handed down. And many such things you do.” — Mark 7:9-13

… the law is not made for a righteous person, but for the lawless and insubordinate, for the ungodly and for sinners, for the unholy and profane, for murderers of fathers and murderers of mothers, for manslayers, 10 for fornicators, for sodomites, for kidnappers [person-stealers], for liars, for perjurers, and if there is any other thing that is contrary to sound doctrine. [Compare Exodus 21:15-16 above.] — 1 Timothy 1:9-10

But if any widow has children or grandchildren, let them first learn to show piety at home and to repay their parents; for this is good and acceptable before God. — 1 Timothy 5:4

Regarding Stealing Offspring from Parents for the sake of Marriage

Anyone who fraudulently allures or who forcefully takes away offspring to have them marry in any way other than what their parents would desire makes himself an accessory to the sin of offspring marrying without their parents’ consent, and thereby makes himself an object of the just vengeance lawfully pursued by the parents. This is a worse kind of felony than stealing away the goods of a man. Offspring much more properly belong to a man than do his own goods, and are dearer to him than any goods can be, and are ever so much more highly to be esteemed because they are his personal relations not mere objects. Our statute law [back in 1622] expressly condemns this, and imposes a severe punishment on whoever should offend in this way. And such offenders justly do deserve to be severely punished, both in regard to the heinousness – the shockingly wickedness – of the sin, and also in regard to the many ill and injurious consequences which follow upon it, such as the alienation of parents’ affection from their offspring, the disinheriting of heirs, the enmity between the friends of each party of those who are married in this way, the contentious suits at law, the ruin of families, and, if the persons whose offspring are married without their parents’ consent are distinguished and honorable, the disturbance of whole towns, cities, and nations. Take for instance the destruction of the Shechemites (Gen 34). This same sin is said to have been the cause for the ten years’ war between the Greeks and Trojans and the ruin of Troy.

Regarding the Sin of Ministers Who Marry Offspring without Parents’ Consent

Whether through carelessness – by not taking due account of whether the parties whom they marry have their parents’ consent – or through bribery – by being hired for some reward to marry offspring which they know do not have their parents’ consent – such ministers who do this make themselves accomplices in a high degree to the sin of marrying without parents’ consent. Their deed is as evil as the deed of the principal parties themselves. Their solemnization of such marriages embolden the parties in this sin who have been married in this way, and also embolden all the persons in this sin who were present at the marriage. As the representative of the person of God, these ministers highly dishonor God’s holy ordinance by saying of such persons as God has explicitly forbidden to be so joined together, that those whom God has joined together no man may separate. If ministers had no hand in such unlawful marriages, such marriages could not be made, for our Church approves of no marriage unless it has been solemnized by a minister. For this reason, whenever any offspring is married without the consent of their parents, then some minister is guilty of this sin of the soul. Therefore it is good that our church, in order to prevent this sin, expressly forbids ministers to marry anyone without parents’ consent, and it inflicts a severe censure on those who offend in this matter.

The following is a modernization and updating of a selection from:

Of Domestical Duties, Fifth Treatise, Duties of Children, by William Gouge, London, 1622.

Regarding Parents’ Consent to the Marriage of Their Offspring

That offspring ought to have their parents’ consent to their marriage is evident beyond all question. Consider the following reasons:

1. God himself has given us this pattern: He first brought the woman to the man (Gen 2:22)

Then the rib which the LORD God had taken from man He made into a woman, and He brought her to the man. — Genesis 2:22

By this God shows that he who gave human existence to the woman had jurisdiction to give her in marriage, which jurisdiction is now delegated to the parents because, under God, offspring now receive their human existence from them. In this case parents stand in God’s place, and function as God’s agent to join their offspring in marriage.

2. God has given explicit laws concerning this point.

a. The general moral law, which is the foundation for all other duties of offspring.

“Honor your father and your mother.” — Exodus 20:12; Deuteronomy 5:16; Matthew 15:4; 19:19; Mark 7:10; 10:19; Luke 18:20; Ephesians 6:2

b. The jurisdiction and directive which God has laid upon parents – to give their daughters to husbands, and to take wives for their sons – has the force of a law to bind offspring from taking wives for themselves or giving themselves to husbands without or against their parents’ consent.

“Nor shall you make marriages with them. You shall not give your daughter to their son, nor take their daughter for your son.” — Deuteronomy 7:3 (Compare Exodus 34:25; Joshua 23:12; Judges 3:6; 1 Kings 11:2; Ezra 9:2; Nehemiah 13:23-27; 2 Corinthians 6:14-17)

c. This law was not limited to the Jews only, but as a branch of the moral law it is for all men, and it is particularly pressed upon Christians.

But if any man [= the protector**] thinks he is behaving improperly toward his virgin [= the protected**], if she is past the flower of youth [= of full marriageable age], and thus it must be [= there is no technical restraint], let him [= the protector] do what he wishes [/chooses]. He does not sin [to consent]; let them marry. 37 Nevertheless he [= the protector] who stands steadfast in his heart, having no necessity [= no compelling obligation], but has power over his own will [literally: possessing authority concerning his own choice], and has so determined in his heart that he will keep [literally: continue protecting] his virgin [= the protected], does well. 38 So then he who gives her in marriage does well, but he who does not give her in marriage does better. — 1 Corinthians 7:36-38

[**Verse 37 explicitly identifies the man as the lawful protector of, and verse 38 explicitly identifies the man as the one possessing authority to give or not to give her in marriage. Men commonly married in their thirties and died in their fifties or early sixties, so frequently enough a father would die before his younger daughters were of full marriageable age. With prospect of his untimely death, a father would duly and lawfully appoint another to be protector for his daughter – ordinarily a close relative, such an uncle as protector of his niece. Hence if Paul had written “father” and “daughter,” he would likely have introduced an unnecessary confusion. Modern life expectancies somewhat obscure this otherwise obvious point. Despite the variable identity of the protector, the constant in this passage is that the man either continues to protect the virgin or he gives her to another man – her husband – to protect her. Her coverture passes from one protector to another, usually from father to husband. She is always under the jurisdiction of one man to protect her choices (Genesis 3:16; 18:12; Numbers 30:1-16; Esther 1:16-20; Romans 7:1-3; 1 Corinthians 7:39; 11:3; 7-10; 14:33-35; Ephesians 5:22-24, 33; Colossians 3:18; 1 Timothy 2:11-13; Titus 2:5; 1 Peter 3:1, 5-6). It was the serpent who isolated the perfect woman from her protector and beguiled her to make a life-determining choice on her own though affecting everyone connected to her (1 Corinthians 4:15 with 2 Corinthians 11:2-3; Galatians 1:6 with 4:17; 1 Timothy 2:14). He essentially usurped Adam’s role by introducing doubt with a question about the order and intentions of things. In 1622, an explanatory note such as this was unnecessary. There is really no ambiguity here – it is self-explanatory. Confusion and ambiguity only arise when we try to read modern culture into this Scripture.]

d. To this may be added the judicial law of a parent’s power in giving his daughter, or refusing to give her in marriage to someone who had deflowered her.

“If her father utterly refuses to give her to him, he shall pay money according to the bride-price of virgins.” — Exodus 22:17

3. The practice of God’s people recorded and approved in Scripture agrees with the Law.

a. Isaac married the wife which his father provided.

So Abraham said to the oldest servant of his house, who ruled over all that he had, “Please, put your hand under my thigh, 3 and I will make you swear by the LORD, the God of heaven and the God of the earth, that you will not take a wife for my son from the daughters of the Canaanites, among whom I dwell; 4 but you shall go to my country and to my family, and take a wife for my son Isaac.” … Then Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah’s tent; and he took Rebekah and she became his wife, and he loved her. So Isaac was comforted after his mother’s death. — Genesis 24:2-4, 67

b. Jacob both obeyed his father in going to Laban’s house for a wife and also when he came to Laban to ask for his daughter from him.

Then Isaac called Jacob and blessed him, and charged him, and said to him: “You shall not take a wife from the daughters of Canaan. 2 “Arise, go to Padan Aram, to the house of Bethuel your mother’s father; and take yourself a wife from there of the daughters of Laban your mother’s brother. — Genesis 28:1-2

Now Jacob loved Rachel; so he said, “I will serve you seven years for Rachel your younger daughter.” 19 And Laban said, “It is better that I give her to you than that I should give her to another man. Stay with me.” 20 So Jacob served seven years for Rachel, and they seemed only a few days to him because of the love he had for her. 21 Then Jacob said to Laban, “Give me my wife, for my days are fulfilled, that I may go in to her.” … 26 And Laban said, “It must not be done so in our country, to give the younger before the firstborn. 27 “Fulfill her week, and we will give you this one also for the service which you will serve with me still another seven years.” 28 Then Jacob did so and fulfilled her week. So he gave him his daughter Rachel as wife also. — Genesis 29:18-21, 26-28

c. Though Samson saw a daughter of the Philistines which pleased him well, yet he would not marry her before he had his parents’ consent.

So he went up and told his father and mother, saying, “I have seen a woman in Timnah of the daughters of the Philistines; now therefore, get her for me as a wife.” — Judges 14:2

4. The testimony of God’s people shows that offspring had no custom or practice of being married without the consent of their parents.

a. Compare the words of Tamar:

“… Now therefore, please speak to the king [who was her father]; for he will not withhold me from you.” — 2 Samuel 13:13

b. Compare the oath of the Israelites

Now the men of Israel had sworn an oath at Mizpah, saying, “None of us shall give his daughter to Benjamin as a wife.” — Judges 21:1

5. The ancient fathers of the Church have in their ages taught offspring this duty, and pronounced marriages of offspring without consent of parents to be unlawful.

6. Even the heathen have observed the justice of this.

a. Though Shechem loved Dinah, and had deflowered her, yet he would not marry her without the consent of his and her father.

So Shechem spoke to his father Hamor, saying, “Get me this young woman as a wife.” … 6 Then Hamor the father of Shechem went out to Jacob to speak with him. — Genesis 34:4, 6

b. Ishmael had learned as much either by the instruction he had received out of Abraham’s house, or else by the light of nature: for he kept with the choice which his mother had made for him.

… his mother took a wife for him from the land of Egypt. — Genesis 21:21

Aaron Auberg (a one-in-a-million guy) and Helena Bluedorn

This has got to be a one-in-a-million dollar ring.

Aaron and Helena

Daughter Helena

In the comments below, describe your favorite wedding — one you’ve attended or the one of your dreams, or maybe even your own. I’ll pick a winner in a few days — the winner will receive one of our children’s picturebooks.

Adam and Johannah Stanford, August 2007

Hans and Desi Bluedorn, September 2010

Harvey and Laurie Bluedorn, December 1973

Courtship by Richard Doyle

Princely Suitor by Richard Doyle

Moonlight Suitor by Richard Doyle

The Proposal by Francois Brunery (1849-1906)

Catherine Seyton, The Proposal, Sir Walter Scott’s “The Abbott” by Thomas Faed (1826-1900)

La Demande En Mariage by Frederic Soulacroix (1858-1933)

The Proposal by Frederick Morgan (1847-1927)

The Proposal by Frank Stone

The Proposal by William Bouguereau (1825-1905)

The Proposal by Charles Edouard Edmond Delort (1841-1895)

Courtship by Adrien Moreau (1843-1906)

The Courtship by Edmund Blair Leighton (1852-1922)

Rustic Courtship by John Pettie (1839-1893)

Courtship by David Sani

The Courtship by Luigi Pastega (1858-1927)

The Courtship by Adrien Ferdinand De Braekeleer (1818-1904)

The Courtship by Thomas Eakins (1844-1916)

Moki Courtship by Henry Farny (1847-1916)

…So courtship or dating? Well, neither is taught in scripture as the only way to go. But principles are throughout scripture teaching what our conduct should be like as Believers in Christ. So, to sum up the advice we as parents give our kids…

1. Build healthy friendships viewing the other person as precious to God and a sister or brother in Christ to you.

2. Be respectful and kind, but clearly communicate when you have no interest in pursuing a relationship.

3. Look out for one another (siblings) and help one another. Brothers, protect your sisters.

4. Before pursuing any relationship further, make sure the person LOVES the Lord Jesus Christ and wants to always live for Him. Make sure they have a healthy relationship with their own family and want to get to know yours — taking the time and effort to do that (and visa versa). I always tell my boys, “Any girl worth having (as a wife), is worth working for!”

5. Look for a stable person who is not always discontent, but lives his or her purpose exactly where the Lord has them and who believes in biblical roles for the family.

6. For girls, look for a young man who LOVES God’s word and is willing to lead in studying it together daily. For boys, look for a young lady who LOVES God’s word and is willing to have you lead in studying together.

7. Look for a praying person — someone with an on-going relationship with the Lord, not just a person counting on their own wisdom for decisions in life. One of the best things we ever did was to start out our marriage by praying together before we go to sleep each night. That has been a big blessing through the years! I highly recommend it!

8. Look for a person who is willing to have boundaries in dating/courtship and someone who is honest about it.

9. Look for a person who has the same Biblical convictions as you and is not in another system or method of beliefs. One who is always willing to study the word of God for direction — not referencing as their source of truth, the writings or words of other people past or present. We have the word of God and that is our only source of absolute truth.

10. Live for the Lord Jesus Christ in all you do. Be the best “you” you can be for the glory of Jesus Christ. Be all the things and do all the things you would want in a spouse. Live scripture, put others first, in all situations seek to do what is best pleasing to the Lord Jesus the Messiah!